I’m sitting on the plane next to my little boy. He is playing ever so animatedly on his iPad, providing me and anyone else who will listen with a running commentary on his every move. He is happy.

It’s a far cry from the little boy who was inconsolable some 12 hours ago as we walked through airport security, leaving behind the only life he has ever known in his short seven years. It’s hard not to feel guilt around the choices I’ve made in that moment, after all, I am the one who has made the decision to take him away from everything and everyone he knows and loves.

I too struggled to remain composed as I said goodbye to what can only be described as 17 years of living life to the full. Without argument, there have been many downs as well as the crazy ups, but I wouldn’t have had my roller coaster life any other way.

I fought back my tears as I have done so many times in the last week, I took a deep breath, leant forward, looked into his sad eyes and said (probably somewhat unconvincingly) ‘let’s think of it as an adventure darling. It’s all going to be ok, I promise’.

Every so often, he breaks off from his game, leans into me and says ‘I love you mummy’. These wonderful words will always cause my heart to melt in an instant and remind me just how very lucky I am. I reply ‘I love you right back my darling’ and I once again fight back the tears that sting my eyes.

I try to make sense of my emotions but there are too many to even begin. Plus, making sense of my feelings would suggest that there is logical and rational reasoning involved and I’m pretty sure neither of these come into play when matters of the heart are concerned. So I let the tears roll down my cheeks.

I am sad, I am tired, I’m emotionally drained and I’m scared of what lies ahead. I try to remind myself of the reasons why we are doing this, but my brain which can so easily convince me that black is white at times, is failing me somewhat right now.

I remember the hugs, the kisses, the tears and the love I have felt in the last few days and I re read some of the beautiful cards I have been given. I never want to forget the life I’ve lived in Oz, I never want the wonderful memories to fade over time and I find myself worrying that I maybe won’t be able to make such an impact back home in the UK.

I realise then though (with a little help from a beautiful story about starfish) that the kind of life Patrick and I live from here on in is up to me. My heart will always be full and my energy boundless; I will always be a hopeless romantic and I will continue to make a difference, regardless of which hemisphere we reside in.

And how do I know this you might ask? The simple answer is – because I choose to. But also because I want to; because I can and because I’m not sure I know how to do it any other way. But more importantly than any of these reasons, and just like the single star fish among the many that lie on the shore line hopeful to be thrown back into the ocean to live another day, the difference I can make in the life I live may just be the difference in someone else’s.

So if you get the chance to dance, do it with passion and do it your way. If you want to sing, do it so loudly that everyone can hear you and if you are lucky enough to fall in love, jump all in – you never know, it might just be worth it. 💕

Change can be really scary. Mostly it’s not change itself that the fear comes from but more the fear of the ‘unknown’ and the reality of the ‘new’ or the ‘different’.

I like to think that I embrace change and I’m sure anyone from the outside looking in on my world would say I do too, but I actually find change really challenging, debilitating even at times. I certainly love the idea of change; moving house, a new job, a fresh start, a new hairstyle, and it’s very easy to get caught up in the excitement of planning and seeing an idea through to completion when you have a clear vision. But there is a certain vulnerability that creeps in when you realise that all that was safe and comfortable in your world is suddenly no longer there, and for me I have often ended up feeling very scared and quite alone as a result of changes I’ve made in my life. 

I remember when I realised that maybe I wasn’t as good with change as I’d like to think I am. I’ve reflected on my behaviours many times since that day and I’ve observed similar patterns during other challenging/changing times over the years. I’m slowly getting better at understanding what happens to my brain in these moments and I’m constantly learning how best to overcome my fears and reduce the vulnerability. 

In 2005, I moved to Gippsland for an amazing job. I knew that I was a little out of my depth but I accepted it, excited to wear such an ‘important’ hat. I moved 5 hours from my Australian home town of Albury, got myself somewhere to live and thought I was ready to embrace my new life. But at the end of my first day, fear and defeat had set in and I was a mess. I had met so many new people, all of whom I was sure would never like me; I was adamant that I would never reverse, let alone enjoy driving the company car I had been given (it was huge in comparison to my Getz and it was an automatic) and to top it all off I was left with the realisation of the enormity of the role I had just taken on, a team of 150 and responsible for a $3m budget. Aargh!

That evening I wouldn’t speak to anyone and if I did, I bit their head off. Reasoning and rational thoughts were wasted on me and thrown back as quickly as they were offerred up. My every word was defeatist and I cried, a lot. Right there, in that very moment, I believed that there was no way I was ever going to succeed in the ‘stupid’ job and I was unwavering in my decision to hand my resignation in the following morning, never to return. I look back at that moment now and I’m able to smile some 13 years later. I’m ok with my crazy brain. 

I’ve worked out that my response to change and to what I was experiencing that day was ‘flight‘. All I wanted to do was run away; run away from everything I didn’t know (yet), run away from my fears and probably most of all, run away to avoid potentially failing. All I really wanted in that moment was to feel safe and not so scared.

Thanks to Ben, my wonderful ex-husband and now dear friend, I know the true power of a hug and the comfort that can be gained from the words ‘it’s going to be ok’ said by someone who cares. Once I had calmed down and was able to think more rationally about what I was taking on, my ‘fight‘ took over and I was able to embrace my new job. I loved it and I excelled at it; I made friends for life and when I eventually moved on, I did so with my head held high knowing I had done amazing things. Every time I overcome my fears after an experience like this, I come back bigger, better, faster and stronger and with a little less self doubt and I feel truly grateful for the opportunity to grow.

In five days time I am making possibly the biggest life change I’ve ever made, and if I’m being completely honest, I am petrified. I constantly find myself wondering if I’m doing the right thing; for me and for my son, and consider if I am completely crazy to do what I’m doing, especially now. I am leaving a life where I am loved and respected by so many people; a life where I have achieved great things; a life that is easy and is comfortable; a life that is safe, and I’m leaving all of that for the unknown. I have my family and my friends in the UK and I am truly grateful for them and can’t wait to see them and spend time with them. I have a tenacity that I know will ultimately get me through, but I don’t have a house or a job, I don’t even have a bed or a sofa.  What scares me the most though is that my ‘flight‘ brain will undoubtedly take over not long after I land and all I will want to do is run away once again. 

But as I write, I’m making a promise to myself. A promise that I will give our new life a chance; I promise to be brave, to hold my head up high, push my shoulders back, take a deep breath and smile.  I know in my heart I can do this and I will go after all I desire the same way I do everything, with passion and determination or not at all. After all, change really is the only constant in life. 

I am confident in my decision and for taking a chance on love and life and I know myself well enough to understand that while I may want to run away just as fast as I can in those first few days, that my ‘fight‘ brain will take over very shortly after and that I will once again do amazing things in our new life. 

So if I give you a hug in the next week or so, please hug me right back and just tell me that everything will be ok, because it will. To be continued…💕