Change can be really scary. Mostly it’s not change itself that the fear comes from but more the fear of the ‘unknown’ and the reality of the ‘new’ or the ‘different’.

I like to think that I embrace change and I’m sure anyone from the outside looking in on my world would say I do too, but I actually find change really challenging, debilitating even at times. I certainly love the idea of change; moving house, a new job, a fresh start, a new hairstyle, and it’s very easy to get caught up in the excitement of planning and seeing an idea through to completion when you have a clear vision. But there is a certain vulnerability that creeps in when you realise that all that was safe and comfortable in your world is suddenly no longer there, and for me I have often ended up feeling very scared and quite alone as a result of changes I’ve made in my life. 

I remember when I realised that maybe I wasn’t as good with change as I’d like to think I am. I’ve reflected on my behaviours many times since that day and I’ve observed similar patterns during other challenging/changing times over the years. I’m slowly getting better at understanding what happens to my brain in these moments and I’m constantly learning how best to overcome my fears and reduce the vulnerability. 

In 2005, I moved to Gippsland for an amazing job. I knew that I was a little out of my depth but I accepted it, excited to wear such an ‘important’ hat. I moved 5 hours from my Australian home town of Albury, got myself somewhere to live and thought I was ready to embrace my new life. But at the end of my first day, fear and defeat had set in and I was a mess. I had met so many new people, all of whom I was sure would never like me; I was adamant that I would never reverse, let alone enjoy driving the company car I had been given (it was huge in comparison to my Getz and it was an automatic) and to top it all off I was left with the realisation of the enormity of the role I had just taken on, a team of 150 and responsible for a $3m budget. Aargh!

That evening I wouldn’t speak to anyone and if I did, I bit their head off. Reasoning and rational thoughts were wasted on me and thrown back as quickly as they were offerred up. My every word was defeatist and I cried, a lot. Right there, in that very moment, I believed that there was no way I was ever going to succeed in the ‘stupid’ job and I was unwavering in my decision to hand my resignation in the following morning, never to return. I look back at that moment now and I’m able to smile some 13 years later. I’m ok with my crazy brain. 

I’ve worked out that my response to change and to what I was experiencing that day was ‘flight‘. All I wanted to do was run away; run away from everything I didn’t know (yet), run away from my fears and probably most of all, run away to avoid potentially failing. All I really wanted in that moment was to feel safe and not so scared.

Thanks to Ben, my wonderful ex-husband and now dear friend, I know the true power of a hug and the comfort that can be gained from the words ‘it’s going to be ok’ said by someone who cares. Once I had calmed down and was able to think more rationally about what I was taking on, my ‘fight‘ took over and I was able to embrace my new job. I loved it and I excelled at it; I made friends for life and when I eventually moved on, I did so with my head held high knowing I had done amazing things. Every time I overcome my fears after an experience like this, I come back bigger, better, faster and stronger and with a little less self doubt and I feel truly grateful for the opportunity to grow.

In five days time I am making possibly the biggest life change I’ve ever made, and if I’m being completely honest, I am petrified. I constantly find myself wondering if I’m doing the right thing; for me and for my son, and consider if I am completely crazy to do what I’m doing, especially now. I am leaving a life where I am loved and respected by so many people; a life where I have achieved great things; a life that is easy and is comfortable; a life that is safe, and I’m leaving all of that for the unknown. I have my family and my friends in the UK and I am truly grateful for them and can’t wait to see them and spend time with them. I have a tenacity that I know will ultimately get me through, but I don’t have a house or a job, I don’t even have a bed or a sofa.  What scares me the most though is that my ‘flight‘ brain will undoubtedly take over not long after I land and all I will want to do is run away once again. 

But as I write, I’m making a promise to myself. A promise that I will give our new life a chance; I promise to be brave, to hold my head up high, push my shoulders back, take a deep breath and smile.  I know in my heart I can do this and I will go after all I desire the same way I do everything, with passion and determination or not at all. After all, change really is the only constant in life. 

I am confident in my decision and for taking a chance on love and life and I know myself well enough to understand that while I may want to run away just as fast as I can in those first few days, that my ‘fight‘ brain will take over very shortly after and that I will once again do amazing things in our new life. 

So if I give you a hug in the next week or so, please hug me right back and just tell me that everything will be ok, because it will. To be continued…💕