We are heading into week 4 of lockdown here in the UK with no real end in sight – I’m hoping for some sort of reprieve after Easter but fear it may be May or even longer before any kind of normal resumes.
Infection rates don’t seem to be dropping much, the number of people dying daily and the stress that the health service is under is almost impossible to get your head around (unless you’re working on the front line which I am grateful I am not) but there’s one thing for sure, it’s dire; and the new strains seems to be throwing an additional curve ball for everyone, including the vaccine.
I know we are lucky (me and Patrick) – we are safe and warm, I am working, homeschooling is a million times easier than it was last year and I have a project on the go that I’m enjoying and which keeps me busy. I have even found two tv shows which I am loving. We are getting out for our daily exercise and my family are all well (touch wood) – in general this lockdown has actually been a much ‘happier’ and less stressful one compared to the other two.
But this time round I have this uncomfortable feeling of being disconnected from everything that was before and it seems to hang over me like a cloud promising rain.
I am grateful for the 6am phone call with a good friend in Oz. Our conversation was largely work related but we digressed as usual and managed a long overdue catch-up which made me smile. But as the call ended, it reinforced what I have been feeling these last ten days or so – that I really miss people, especially those who I hold dear to me.
Before lockdown I interacted with more than 400 children a week. I’d speak to parents, engaging in general chit chat and making new friends. I was able to catch up with good friends who dropped their children off at gymnastics, albeit briefly and I got to hug my sister regularly (much to her dislike). I enjoyed the new found friendships of the people I work with, spending time together outside of work, and I loved the familiarity of catching up with an old friend for a drink.
Messages between family and friends (all over the world) were reasonably frequent; sometimes just a quick hello and other times writing essays where a catch up was long overdue. Meeting up with someone for a coffee or dinner now seems like a lifetime ago and a visit to Australia, even longer.
But many of these interactions which existed in lockdown 1 and 2 seem to have fallen by the wayside this time around. It seems like COVID hasn’t only taken countless lives, and the freedom we once enjoyed away, it has also had a direct impact on how we interact and connect with those around us.
[I know that in part this is a result of many of us working from home, spending more time on devices during the day and wanting a break from screens and phones when the evening and weekend comes around; something I completely understand and do much the same.]
But I am fearful that after so much time of not being able to see and spend time with people you love, that those relationships will no longer be there once this is all (eventually) over. A fear exacerbated by the thought that after so long maybe people will stop caring and/or wanting to make the effort to interact.
Maybe it’s just me. I know I have a tendency to withdraw from the world when times get tough but this feels like more than that. My mood most days is bright and happy, and apart from not being active anywhere near as much as I need to, lockdown life is actually ok. But somewhere in there, there is a this kind of acceptance of life the way it is now, of just getting on with it and living in our own little bubbles, and surviving the apparent never ending storm, without the perceived need for others and almost a reluctance/hesitation/ability to connect.
I hope I am wrong, I hope we can pick up where we left off 12 months ago before all this began, or 18 months ago which was the last time we were in Oz, because I really do miss my family and my friends and our interactions, in person or otherwise, so very much. I long to laugh over coffee with a friend, or go for a run with anyone I can convince to tag along; or pop to mum and dads for a cuppa and a kiss.
I conclude that I miss life and think that what I am feeling is loneliness. Not the kind of lonely that comes from being alone, because I am not; more so the kind of loneliness that comes from not being able to spend quality time with other people.
This Monday morning reflection makes me better understand that being and feeling ‘connected’ is such an important part of our overall wellbeing.
I know what to eat to look after my body, I know how Important being active is and I know the things that will help my brain if I am feeling overwhelmed, but I have never had to think about actively pursuing social connection before because it has always just been there.
And maybe somewhere in all of this reflection and ramblings is my personal challenge for lockdown 3 – reengaging with people who I love, who I miss; those who I’ve not been as connected with as I should be, and would like to be more recently. Maybe it’s time to face how I am feeling head on and actively do something to change it, to actively interact.
I fear it may be a little harder than I think, but I will make a promise to myself to at least try. 💕
Just Maybe I Can 